The pain of 'losing' a daughter

She's not dead but has been estranged from me and my family for over ten years !

This is so hard to write about - this pain sits heavy with me every day and the passing of time does not make it any easier, it actually makes it worse and then sometimes better.

I was divorced from my daughter’s mother and had been for 15 years and I thought and believed my relationship with my daughter was good. We saw each other regularly and I often went to her school, watched her perform in school plays, watched her play hockey - even took her on Sundays when I went to visit for the weekend. I did all of the things.

But when she turned 16, she changed a lot and our relationship became fractured and I remember us having difficult conversations about her grades at school, her teachers and her ambition of wanting to be a doctor. All I wanted was for her to be happy and to know she had two loving parents. By the time she turned 16, I was married and my wife had a daughter who was almost exactly a year older.

After one difficult weekend when we argued about her school and her teachers, I received a hand written letter saying she didn’t want to see me again. She blocked me and my family from all of her social networks and she even blocked me from calling her.

I genuinely thought this would pass and we would have a conversation and talk about it and make amends and move forward.

But, this didn’t happen and before I knew it, almost ten years had passed. I never miss a birthday or Christmas but her mum, who up until this point was always open to me having access and a good relationship with our daughter, suddenly changed too and said it was nothing to do with her - she didn’t want to and was not prepared to get involved. The decision was made by our daughter who was 17 by now and almost 18 and her mother said the decision was made and it was up to our daughter to decide if she wanted to make contact etc.

Over night I was cut out of her life and I didn’t know how best to act. I did write letters and sent emails and remembered her birthday and Christmas but I have not heard anything from her since that day - 12 years ago now.

Life moves on very quickly and the physical distance between us probably didn’t help - especially as I moved to France soon after and only recently returned to the UK.

Working with a psychologist over the past four years has really helped me understand this situation from my daughter’s perspective - it helped me realise that something really serious must have happened for her to cut me off, as well as my family including my elderly mother - her grand mother - whom she had a good and loving relationship with.

I have had to dig really deep to reflect back on what happened and what my daughter could have perceived that was so bad for her that she wanted nothing more to do with me. This is so hard as I clearly remember the two of us going on holiday to France, camping and generally having fun together.

I can remember a few instances where my daughter could have thought I didn’t care for her - in reality my actions were the complete opposite. I was always in contact with her mum and the school as our daughter went through her GCSEs and A levels exams - and after the first year of A levels, I had many conversations with her school and teachers to ask if they believed our daughter could achieve the grades necessary for her to get into medical school. A long held ambition of hers.

These were not easy conversations and I just thought we were dealing with an emotional 17 year old girl.

But, I have to accept the fact she cut me out of her life and has not made any contact since.

My life as it was imploded last year and I am now rebuilding, back in England, making contact with family & friends again after being in France for 8 years and having very little contact.

I never lost the desire to be in contact with my daughter but part of my new life is putting more energy into this area - it was suggested recently that maybe she felt abandoned. I was married, her mother was living alone, I had another daughter that maybe my daughter found difficult to accept. Maybe she did feel abandoned and I didn’t fight for her hard enough. Soon after receiving her letter, we moved to France, not too many miles away, but a physical barrier.

So, as part of my life in 2025, I want to try in new ways to make contact and offer up a way for us to at least be in contact - have the hard conversations - and then move forward from there. I can’t replace the lost years but what I can do is to try to end this estrangement. It runs deep of course and I am also concerned that it’s not good for her psychologically. She maybe living her life (as a Doctor now), thinking her father didn’t love and care for her - that breaks my heart into millions of pieces. She was always so precious and I loved her only as a father loves their daughter - and of course, I still love her, wherever she is and whatever she is doing.

If you’ve read this far, thank you, please pray for reconciliation.

Thank you.